the empty “draft”

I promised that the 2025 updates were complete. I’m sticking by that promise. Today’s article is simply an observation of something that happened…or didn’t happen…on April 2nd of last year.

One of these days, I may abolish cryptic communication from my style, but today is not that day. Today feels incredibly cryptic, and I can’t do anything to change that…so let’s just dive in, shall we?

When I began first started writing again last month, I saw something that caught my eye in the “drafts.” I was pretty confused because there was nothing there. No title…no thoughts to remind me of what I had intended to write…nothing at all. Just April 2, 2025. Odd.

So I went back through my calendar from last year to try and figure out what was going on that day, or the surrounding days, that I had meant to share. No doctor appointments, no physical updates, no personal news. There were appointments with the dentist friend that had been creating an appliance to adjust my jaw placement because my oxygen kept dropping and causing moderate sleep apnea (didn’t mention it before because that issue really paled in comparison to everything else obvs). There were soccer games for Zane that I struggled to attend even though I like to think I EXCEL at enjoying sports with our kids. There had been funerals for friends and mothers of friends. There had been a family birthday dinner for Peyton. Another anniversary had just passed for the death of my dear niece. Maybe one or more of those things were on my mind when I opened my laptop that Wednesday. I really don’t know.

But for whatever reason, I grabbed the computer, logged onto my website, navigated to a new blog entry, and then just sat there. No words would make it to the page that day. I don’t know if it was too painful, too discouraging, too overwhelming, too empty…I just don’t know. For whatever reason, I shut it all down. The only record of that even happening is the empty reminder every time I log on…the draft…that reveals I had no words for that spring day.

I wonder if you’ve ever felt that way. I know I have…more times than you might think, given my typical love for words…all the words. As a matter of fact, as shocking as that may be to hear, I’m pretty sure I’ve even wrote a past blog with the title, “When Words Fail”…although I’m also fairly confident that I spent a good amount of time referencing Shrek in that post so maybe it’s best if you forgot it after all.

The reality is there are times in life when we just cannot say what we want to say…or our words just come out all wonky…or we find our tongue stumbling all over itself. As of late, my migraines have been wreaking havoc like they used to long ago, pre-botox (don’t you dare come for my wrinkly face right now…this is not the time or place!!!), and I seem to barely able to string two words together, let alone cohesive thought. There are indeed times when we may even try to pray and still have an overwhelming, “I’ve got nothing.”

Times like that don’t feel great. We tend to try to rationalize it away…or to try and kumbaya our way out of the discomfort. You know what I mean? Often, we do things like quote a verse or a person so we can sound spiritual or grounded. We attempt to lessen the impact of our wordlessness by spouting off ANY words that will take the focus off our lack. How telling that the very thing that should drive us to seek out the Lord’s guidance…an incredible silence…can so easily get masked by the more comfortable thing…noise. So while I couldn’t tell you what was on my heart that day in April of ‘25, I can tell you that I covered it up with distraction and noise…because I never circled back to share those thoughts. No lesson learned. No funny moments. Just the silence.

I mentioned Kumbaya. Most of us have heard that word used in a snarky way…my obvious favorite of all the ways…or a dismissive way to brush something off that we find foolish. “What do you want to do…sit around singing Kumbaya?!?” or “Let’s just hold hands and sit Kumbaya!”…you’ve probably heard something similar. Stay with me for just a few minutes as I thread this needle with the empty draft. The lyrics we’ve all heard essentially say, “Someone’s singing, crying, praying…kumbaya, My Lord.” The mere fact that this was often sung around a campfire (smoke in the hair…nasty) while holding hands (no touching…thank you) and awkwardly swaying (can’t even do this level of dancing), all while making zero sense…tells you all you need to know about why Eva enjoyed the snarky vibe.

But did you know that “kumbaya” actually means “come by here”? Hmmm…maybe we should investigate a little…remembering I only asked for a few minutes of leeway here. Wikipedia explains the first known recording happened in 1926. It’s widely believed that the song is a spiritual that was sung by those under the oppression of slavery. What is much lesser known are the original lyrics of the song…they seem pack a bigger punch than the campfire version, both in singers and in scope. The lyrics include:

Somebody need you, Lord, come by here…Now I need you, Lord, come by here. Sinners need you, Lord, come by here…In the mornin’ see, Lord, come by here. In the mornin’ do, Lord, come by here….I’m gon’ need you, Lord, come by here…Oh Lord, come by here.

Even simply inserting the phrase, “Come by here” into the campfire version should make those lyrics hit us a little deeper. “Someone’s singing, Lord, come by here. Someone’s crying, Lord, come by here. Someone’s praying, Lord, come by here.”

Someone is empty, Lord, come by here.

Someone is lost and confused, Lord, come by here.

Someone is hopeless, Lord, come by here.

Someone doesn’t have the words to speak, Lord, come by here.

Isn’t that what we all need?! Empty or full, silent or vocal, downcast or rejoicing…Lord, meet us here. We need you when we have all the words. We need you when words fail. Simply put…kumbaya.

You know what? I’m thankful for those moments when I don’t know what to say. It surprises even me! But it causes me to take a beat…to simply pause…and to consider what the Lord might want to say to my heart instead. “Be still and know that I am God” isn’t optional…but it’s often the thing I’ve decided applied to the uber-spiritual or spiritually-lazy. No, it’s for Eva. It was “for Eva” on April 2, 2025, and it will be “for Eva” every day from now until eternity.

Oh Lord, come by here.